Monday, February 16, 2009

Reading #5: Mundane Love Reading

Well.  It's the night after Valentine's day- and after a hard day at work, and feeling hungover from too much sugar without the benefit of a wild night, I decided to do a mundane love reading.  I figured, I've binged on chocolate, self pity, and bitching with single friends already, why not add another sin to the list- fortune telling.  Now generally, I view tarot as a noble art- something to be revered and appreciated as a valuable tool for self realization.  The day after VD, that all gets hurled out the window.  I wanna know my future dammit!  I don't care how short-sighted it might be!  So I did this quick 5 carder- on a guy I have liked for too long with whom I have lost touch- just to see what the cards could tell me.

1.  His feelings for me: 2 of pentacles- he's  undecided, or trying to juggle too many things to even think about me.  He feels that I'm slightly unstable- or his feelings for me change frequently.  They are ambiguous- he doesn't know what he wants.

2.  My feelings for him- 2 of wands- interesting that there is a pair of two's here... I feel that he could potentially be my future- I have envisioned him as my future.  I have planned out what life would be like with him.

3.  How he sees me: 5 of cups- he sees me as having sour grapes... and not being able to get over the past.  He sees me being stuck on a past experience, not moving forward.  He sees that this is not the end, but sees that I can't see it.

4.  How I see him: 10 of Swords- dead to me.  I see him as over and done with, in the past, and sadly, not part of my life anymore.  "All washed up" comes to mind.  I see him as being a mere fantasy for me- an ideal that has left me disillusioned.  The end.

5.  What the future holds:  10 of Cups- hold up, what?  the 10 of Cups?  This I do not get.  Must have pulled the wrong card, right?  I mean come on, the previous 2 cards were some of the most negative in the deck, and then this image- a couple kissing, their children playing by a river, a rainbow?  How do we get there from here?  I am very- well- lost by this card.  And it keeps coming up, and just plain irritating me.  I can't believe I'm being irritated by the 10 of cups, but there you have it.  And I don't see how it could happen.  Ugh.

So what now?  How does one reconcile such a happy ending with such morose cards in the present?  Any opinions?

Tuesday, February 10, 2009

Reading #4: Reading on a reading

Tomorrow morning I will be doing a reading for a good friend of mine, K.  K is a sweet, funny girl with a certain quiet determination beneath her easygoing demeanor.  I thought she would be a skeptic, so I was surprised when she wanted a reading.

K and I are having a girls' day tomorrow- going out for breakfast, going window shopping, and getting pedicures... it's our V-day gift to ourselves.  Sometime in there, I will give her a reading, and I am curious about how it will go.  So I am just pulling 3 cards- 1 for the goal, 1 for the challenge, and one for the solution... let's see how it looks...

The Goal: Page of Wands- it looks like my goal for K's reading will be giving her a message of action- an action plan.  The rabbit seems to say that the time is ripe for fertility- putting plans into action and seeing them multiply... so there is a real opportunity for K right now, to follow her passion, and that is what I am to communicate.

The Challenge: The Empress- it looks like the challenge will be empowering K- helping her to believe that she is capable of such strong action will be challenging.  Also, as she is living with her parents, I can see this being a reluctance to leave home.  There is something in here too- a sort of martyrdom.  Rhiannon absolutely was a martyr for at least part of her existence... and I think K will have to look at how she does this in her own life.

The Solution:  The Tower.  Hoo boy!  I think the solution is beyond my doing- more of a universe action than anything else.  Or else, maybe something I will say will strike her- a bolt of insight.  At any rate, it will force her out of her comfort zone, into new territory- building a new life for herself, or at least, a new perspective.  The story of Bala Lake is that it once was a kingdom, but was flooded as a punishment for the drunkeness of the local prince... the only one who was saved was a harpist, who was led out of danger by a little bird.  So maybe K will be saved from a bad situation by a "little bird"- interesting...

Overall, it looks like the reading will be a powerful, positive move for K- a helpful push in the right direction.  It looks like it might be rather challenging, but with great challenges, come great solutions.  I will report back on how the reading goes tomorrow!

Saturday, February 7, 2009

Reading #3: Discover Yourself

I decided to take on a mondo-huge spread for this week- mostly out of boredom, and it looked like a nice spread... here it is.  Um, ouch.  This one hurt- but it hurt so good!  It really was great for seeing where I am holding myself back, and why.  I did make some minor alterations- most noticably in the final 4 cards.  Oh, and I apologize for the lack of pictures this week- with this spread, this post would be ridiculously long.

So, without further ado...

1. Me as a whole: Justice- definitely me.  I am a Libra, and continually concerned with finding balance- weighing the consequences... I think it also speaks to my inborn moral code, my reasoning, and my intellect.

2. How am I spending my passion and energy:  5 of Cups.  Ouch.  Yes, I'm spending it mourning the past... stuck in my past failures, unable to forgive myself for screwing up.  As a perfectionist, I am unable to let that go- so that's where all of my energy is going.  No wonder I have no passion left for singing- I'm wasting it on beating myself up.

3.  Why am I spending my passion and energy this way:  The Priestess.  I am afraid of letting people in on my secret- that I failed.  I am afraid of letting go of this image of ability- and I have locked myself in solitude to keep that failure a secret.  My pride is more important than my happiness. ouch

4.  How am I in the material world:  Ace of Cups- overflowing, frittering away my hard earned dollars.  No budget, no control.  It allows for momentary happiness... but gives way to emptiness...

5.  Why am I this way in the material world:  2 of Swords- I am of two minds- I am conflicted and torn, and use retail therapy as a band-aid for my confusion... as a drug.

6.  How am I thinking: Page of Cups- I am an open book, thinking romantically and wistfully, and mentally rehearsing romance- this strikes me as odd in this position- and distinct that I am not feeling the emotions of romance and dreaminess, but I am mentally doing so- perhaps even mechanically doing so- out of sheer habit.

7.  Why am I thinking in this way:  Page of Pentacles- It is what I have learned to do- this emphasizes the habit part- it is rote, not inspired.  It is all talk, and no emotion.  How inauthentic.

8.  How am I feeling:  9 of Wands- defensive, wounded, tired.  Wanting to put up a fight, but not ready... not really wanting to fight, only to be hurt again.  Exhaustion.

9.  Why am I feeling this way:  Hanged Man- I have put my dreams on hold- thus I only feel the wounds, and not the joys of the dreams.  Inadvertantly, by putting my dreams on hold, I took the fight out of myself- because what is worth fighting for, except a great dream?  Why bother if not for a great cause?

10.  The result of emotions and passions:  5 of Pentacles- the mixture of feeling wounded and focusing all of my attention on my failures is that I have an emotional and powerful poverty.  I have left myself out in the cold, and I am the only one who can reverse this.  I would reverse it by forgiving myself and tending to my wounds- being compassionate.

11:  The result of passions and my material behaiviour: The Tower- Both my passion and my bank account are left crumbling by treating my self denigration with things.  Something has got to give- and the shopping will only stop when I figure out what is more important- pride or happiness.

12.  The result of material behaiviour and thinking:  6 of cups- I am treating myself like a child- bribing and rewarding with goodies and using rote romantic thinking to distract myself.  Neither is helpful nor truly loving to myself- I can't buy my way to self love.

13.  The result of thinking and emotions:  Knight of Pentacles- the juxtaposition of my romantic thoughts and my wounded emotions has left me stuck- unable to move forward in any direction, and just putting on the armor of a warrior without intending to go back into battle.

Oof.  So.  What more is there to say?  To me, this has proven that Llewellyn is really not just a nicey nice deck at all- I'm feeling very much like the honey moon is over.  It will no longer mince words with me- and this is good.  This is growth.  I haven't ever had a self-reading this direct before- or this dire.

Friday, January 30, 2009

Ugh, A Reading

Winter has been difficult this year.  It seems like we've been battered from day one, either with lots of snow or wicked cold.  Maybe I've gotten soft from the run we had of mild winters.  But this is just crazy.  I'm sick of being cold, and I'm sick of being cooped up inside.  So what's a girl to do?  Read cards of course.  But, sad to say, Llewellyn isn't helping today.  I need something warmer, a bit more active- kind of like ginger.  Something to heat me up from the inside out.  So, tonight I'm grabbing my Osho Zen.  I feel like Osho's personality is that of a fat marmalade cat laying in a sunny window... "What's all the fuss?  Just enjoy yourself, why doncha?  Relax!"

Even shuffling this chunky deck cheers me up.  The beautiful design on the back is color therapy- golds, oranges, yellows... like sunshine.  I am just doing a general "checkup" sort of reading tonight... how am I doing?  What needs attention?  What isn't working in my life, and what is?

I draw 3 cards-Understanding, We are the World, and Friendliness.  How nice.  This deck does tend to play nice- when you need it.  When you need tough love... well, there is plenty of darkness to go around as well...

The image of understanding (page of cups) is a flock of white birds- doves- who are all flying out into the wild blue yonder... through a set of bars... like they have finally understood that they had access to freedom all the while that they were locked up.  This relates to my job- I have, in the past few days, come to understand that I am not locked up in this job- I am not being held hostage.  Nobody has a knife to my throat.  I could quit tomorrow if I wanted to.  And besides that, I have the choice to allow certain people to freak the hell out of me, or I can choose to not let it get to me- to be impenetrable.  That is the freedom of the hanged man- even though physically, he's tied up and left hanging, mentally he can go wherever he wants, and he has made the choice to not feel bad about what is happening... he's not letting it get to him.

We are the world (10 of pentacles) other than reminding me of Michael Jackson (ewww) this card reminds me that sappy as it seems, we are all in this together... the human condition is something we all share- and there is a shared consciousness... this has to do with my tarot studies... looking into archetypes and mythology, and finding the common threads.  Joseph Campbell is my homeboy.  I also wonder if this might relate to Obama.  Granted, he wasn't my favorite- for a long while- I have now come to see his true potential.  I still don't view him as a guru, but maybe he can heal some of the damage done by Bush, and not just the stuff related to the economy- but more, our sense of who we are- we aren't Americans first, we are humans first. 

Friendliness (2 of cups) is one of the most endearing cards to me in this deck... it is so simple, and so cute.  Two pretty little trees have decided to grow next to each other.  I guess I'm not sure what this means right now- my co-worker K has become a good friend.  Maybe that's what it is saying.  I'm going to draw a clarifyer card... hmm, sorrow.  A picture of a person- he looks like a monk- all by himself in a dark room.  Would be 9 of swords in a normal deck.  I think Osho is pointing out that we grow better when we have company, and that I need to stop hiding out in my room, on my computer. :D  Well, to be serious, it would be good to meet some local tarot enthusiasts.  I just need to figure out how... pulling another card...

Intensity (knight of wands) shows a person sprinting... in this triangle (hard to explain) and focused to a point right in front of him.  So, maybe taking an idea and running with it, being direct.  Maybe I can ask at my local woo-woo shop! :D

Okay, I think that's it for tonight.  Funny, with Osho Zen, I feel more like asking a question at a time, pulling a card.  An interview.

Monday, January 26, 2009

Reading #2: Red Dragon Spread

This spread came along with the Llewellyn, and I thought it would be nice to give it a go. It is a simple, 7 card spread, with a really nice array of questions. Reminds me a bit of the Celtic Cross, but less complicated and odd. This would be good to use for a general reading, which is what I did tonight.

As I shuffle, I note that my mood is rather peaceful- I have the next 3 days off from work, and I have already settled into relaxation. I also note that it seems easier to shuffle my deck- and the cards seem supple, yet sturdy. I know some complain about Llewellyn's cardstock, but I rather like it. I think lightly upon the spread, and find my shuffling rhythm.

1: The Dream: Your heart's desire: Hanged Man... Huh, interesting. I think this is my desire to be able to roll with the punches, let go, and not let my circumstances effect my happiness... to be able to choose happiness even when the situation would make me feel otherwise... to act rather than react- and to retain my balance when the world turns me on my head.

2: Your Companions: The assistance you will receive: 6 of Cups. My memories? Perhaps an old friend will come back into my life, or else someone who makes me act in a childlike way...  actually,I think this has more to do with finding beauty in simple things, such as the wildflowers and apples.

3: The Journey: Unfamiliar places you must go to realize the dream: The Chariot. Well, the Chariot has always been an uncomfortable card for me- the idea of going fast scares me. I can't handle roller coasters, and that's what it feels like to me. Maybe I have to be willing to go fast in order to not get stuck in whatever situation I'm dealing with.

4: Magical Gifts: New skills required for success: The Empress. Creativity- I need to learn to turn to creativity when I feel weighed down by anxiety- to use art as an outlet for stress... to let that energy become fecundity.

5: The Enchantment: Hidden obstacles along the path: 8 of Swords. Getting wrapped up in anxiety, fearing all is lost, losing a sense of the big picture, and in all of that, self absorption in the worst way. "woe is me!!!"

6: The Dragon: What you must befriend, sacrifice, or defeat: 6 of Wands. Doing anything to gain acceptance from anyone outside of myself. This is a dragon I have been trying to do away with for a long time now... I find myself looking at others for acceptance far too often, doing things their way rather that my way, and generally not being myself because I think it won't make so-and-so happy. I see now that this is directly related to my sense of equilibrium... if no one else's opinion matters, then no one can do anything to me.

7: The Awakening: The Final outcome of your efforts: 2 of swords. Hmm, this card usually seems so negative to me- but looking at it again, it doesn't have to be so. A woman stands in the moonlight, the wild sea crashing against a craggy shore- She is within her own mind, blindfolded to the rest of the world. All of the power is in her own hands. She has all of the power of her subconscious mind to fill her loneliness- and I am even projecting that loneliness. Now this card reminds me of Lake Superior- the rugged beauty and mystery of a wild shore. Now, this doesn't seem like a bad outcome- being one who is looking intensely inwards, into the sea of the subconscious.

One thing I notice, looking at all of the cards together, is that there is a preponderance of blues and greens- and intuitively, I think this means I need to reconnect with nature.  I think tomorrow I will head over to the indoor gardens that are pretty close to my house.  I feel really good about this reading- I think everything really flowed nicely for me.  I feel like I'm getting back into the swing of reading, and Llewellyn is seeming much more cozy than it used to feel.  At first it had a distinct chilliness to it.  I think I am just becoming accustomed to it's highly British manners.

Sunday, January 25, 2009

Reading #1

Question:  How can I make the most of my job at this time?

My job is currently in retail hell, with a district manager who is crazy...a highly unpleasent environment and far too stressful for the meager wages I am making.  I know that this job is not a long term solution, but I want to make the best of things right now.  I'm tired, pissed off, and generally grumpy right now.  Don't feel much like reading, but I know it will help me to forget about the day.

I shuffled halfheartedly and drew 3 cards without positions, jsut to see what story they told.  1st card is the 10 of wands.  This is obviously how I am feeling- emotionally, mentally, and physically.  Actually, my shoulder is really hurting right now, so I winced a bit when I saw this card!  Ouch!  But also, I feel like I am working hard and seeing nothing back- I break my butt for this job, and don't even get a well done.  There is no incentive for working so hard- maybe this is telling me to slow down a bit, and not push so hard.

Second card is the sun.  Always look on the bright side of life maybe? Right now that's about as bright and shiny as I get... but in terms of making the most of my job?  Well, I gues I'm stumped... maybe I need to present myself as confident and strong?  The white horse reminds me of a series of dreams I had a while back- all sorts of dreams in which I tried to heal these beautiful white horses who had been hurt or maimed... I always woke up crying.  I still am unsure what those were about.

The third card is the moon.  Unbelievably gorgeous... I am mesmerized by this card.  A full, luminous moon shimmers in a lake... an owl hovers in the silence... fish are brought to the surface.  This card speaks to me of silence and spirituality... listening to my most inward thoughts, and instinct.  I feel like the moon is the antidote to the 10 of wands and the sun- both so fiery and masculine, full of loudness and strain.  The moon tells me to unplug, let go, and dream.

And so it begins

A new year, a new blog, and a new commitment.  This year, I have dedicated myself, through the Aeclectic tarot forum, to spending time with my Llewellyn tarot at least once a week.  My goals in doing so are threefold: firstly, to get to know this gorgeous deck; secondly, to purposefully commit to tarot; and lastly, to find out how I operate as a reader- to find out my strengths and weaknesses, and to know myself.

I don't expect it to be easy, which is why I started this blog... I think it will help me to stay on track, if I have a "home".  I intend to post my personal readings, reflections, and insights on this blog.  I will check in here at least once a week- but hopefully more frequently!

So, watch this space- and let's see where this takes me.