Monday, February 16, 2009

Reading #5: Mundane Love Reading

Well.  It's the night after Valentine's day- and after a hard day at work, and feeling hungover from too much sugar without the benefit of a wild night, I decided to do a mundane love reading.  I figured, I've binged on chocolate, self pity, and bitching with single friends already, why not add another sin to the list- fortune telling.  Now generally, I view tarot as a noble art- something to be revered and appreciated as a valuable tool for self realization.  The day after VD, that all gets hurled out the window.  I wanna know my future dammit!  I don't care how short-sighted it might be!  So I did this quick 5 carder- on a guy I have liked for too long with whom I have lost touch- just to see what the cards could tell me.

1.  His feelings for me: 2 of pentacles- he's  undecided, or trying to juggle too many things to even think about me.  He feels that I'm slightly unstable- or his feelings for me change frequently.  They are ambiguous- he doesn't know what he wants.

2.  My feelings for him- 2 of wands- interesting that there is a pair of two's here... I feel that he could potentially be my future- I have envisioned him as my future.  I have planned out what life would be like with him.

3.  How he sees me: 5 of cups- he sees me as having sour grapes... and not being able to get over the past.  He sees me being stuck on a past experience, not moving forward.  He sees that this is not the end, but sees that I can't see it.

4.  How I see him: 10 of Swords- dead to me.  I see him as over and done with, in the past, and sadly, not part of my life anymore.  "All washed up" comes to mind.  I see him as being a mere fantasy for me- an ideal that has left me disillusioned.  The end.

5.  What the future holds:  10 of Cups- hold up, what?  the 10 of Cups?  This I do not get.  Must have pulled the wrong card, right?  I mean come on, the previous 2 cards were some of the most negative in the deck, and then this image- a couple kissing, their children playing by a river, a rainbow?  How do we get there from here?  I am very- well- lost by this card.  And it keeps coming up, and just plain irritating me.  I can't believe I'm being irritated by the 10 of cups, but there you have it.  And I don't see how it could happen.  Ugh.

So what now?  How does one reconcile such a happy ending with such morose cards in the present?  Any opinions?

Tuesday, February 10, 2009

Reading #4: Reading on a reading

Tomorrow morning I will be doing a reading for a good friend of mine, K.  K is a sweet, funny girl with a certain quiet determination beneath her easygoing demeanor.  I thought she would be a skeptic, so I was surprised when she wanted a reading.

K and I are having a girls' day tomorrow- going out for breakfast, going window shopping, and getting pedicures... it's our V-day gift to ourselves.  Sometime in there, I will give her a reading, and I am curious about how it will go.  So I am just pulling 3 cards- 1 for the goal, 1 for the challenge, and one for the solution... let's see how it looks...

The Goal: Page of Wands- it looks like my goal for K's reading will be giving her a message of action- an action plan.  The rabbit seems to say that the time is ripe for fertility- putting plans into action and seeing them multiply... so there is a real opportunity for K right now, to follow her passion, and that is what I am to communicate.

The Challenge: The Empress- it looks like the challenge will be empowering K- helping her to believe that she is capable of such strong action will be challenging.  Also, as she is living with her parents, I can see this being a reluctance to leave home.  There is something in here too- a sort of martyrdom.  Rhiannon absolutely was a martyr for at least part of her existence... and I think K will have to look at how she does this in her own life.

The Solution:  The Tower.  Hoo boy!  I think the solution is beyond my doing- more of a universe action than anything else.  Or else, maybe something I will say will strike her- a bolt of insight.  At any rate, it will force her out of her comfort zone, into new territory- building a new life for herself, or at least, a new perspective.  The story of Bala Lake is that it once was a kingdom, but was flooded as a punishment for the drunkeness of the local prince... the only one who was saved was a harpist, who was led out of danger by a little bird.  So maybe K will be saved from a bad situation by a "little bird"- interesting...

Overall, it looks like the reading will be a powerful, positive move for K- a helpful push in the right direction.  It looks like it might be rather challenging, but with great challenges, come great solutions.  I will report back on how the reading goes tomorrow!

Saturday, February 7, 2009

Reading #3: Discover Yourself

I decided to take on a mondo-huge spread for this week- mostly out of boredom, and it looked like a nice spread... here it is.  Um, ouch.  This one hurt- but it hurt so good!  It really was great for seeing where I am holding myself back, and why.  I did make some minor alterations- most noticably in the final 4 cards.  Oh, and I apologize for the lack of pictures this week- with this spread, this post would be ridiculously long.

So, without further ado...

1. Me as a whole: Justice- definitely me.  I am a Libra, and continually concerned with finding balance- weighing the consequences... I think it also speaks to my inborn moral code, my reasoning, and my intellect.

2. How am I spending my passion and energy:  5 of Cups.  Ouch.  Yes, I'm spending it mourning the past... stuck in my past failures, unable to forgive myself for screwing up.  As a perfectionist, I am unable to let that go- so that's where all of my energy is going.  No wonder I have no passion left for singing- I'm wasting it on beating myself up.

3.  Why am I spending my passion and energy this way:  The Priestess.  I am afraid of letting people in on my secret- that I failed.  I am afraid of letting go of this image of ability- and I have locked myself in solitude to keep that failure a secret.  My pride is more important than my happiness. ouch

4.  How am I in the material world:  Ace of Cups- overflowing, frittering away my hard earned dollars.  No budget, no control.  It allows for momentary happiness... but gives way to emptiness...

5.  Why am I this way in the material world:  2 of Swords- I am of two minds- I am conflicted and torn, and use retail therapy as a band-aid for my confusion... as a drug.

6.  How am I thinking: Page of Cups- I am an open book, thinking romantically and wistfully, and mentally rehearsing romance- this strikes me as odd in this position- and distinct that I am not feeling the emotions of romance and dreaminess, but I am mentally doing so- perhaps even mechanically doing so- out of sheer habit.

7.  Why am I thinking in this way:  Page of Pentacles- It is what I have learned to do- this emphasizes the habit part- it is rote, not inspired.  It is all talk, and no emotion.  How inauthentic.

8.  How am I feeling:  9 of Wands- defensive, wounded, tired.  Wanting to put up a fight, but not ready... not really wanting to fight, only to be hurt again.  Exhaustion.

9.  Why am I feeling this way:  Hanged Man- I have put my dreams on hold- thus I only feel the wounds, and not the joys of the dreams.  Inadvertantly, by putting my dreams on hold, I took the fight out of myself- because what is worth fighting for, except a great dream?  Why bother if not for a great cause?

10.  The result of emotions and passions:  5 of Pentacles- the mixture of feeling wounded and focusing all of my attention on my failures is that I have an emotional and powerful poverty.  I have left myself out in the cold, and I am the only one who can reverse this.  I would reverse it by forgiving myself and tending to my wounds- being compassionate.

11:  The result of passions and my material behaiviour: The Tower- Both my passion and my bank account are left crumbling by treating my self denigration with things.  Something has got to give- and the shopping will only stop when I figure out what is more important- pride or happiness.

12.  The result of material behaiviour and thinking:  6 of cups- I am treating myself like a child- bribing and rewarding with goodies and using rote romantic thinking to distract myself.  Neither is helpful nor truly loving to myself- I can't buy my way to self love.

13.  The result of thinking and emotions:  Knight of Pentacles- the juxtaposition of my romantic thoughts and my wounded emotions has left me stuck- unable to move forward in any direction, and just putting on the armor of a warrior without intending to go back into battle.

Oof.  So.  What more is there to say?  To me, this has proven that Llewellyn is really not just a nicey nice deck at all- I'm feeling very much like the honey moon is over.  It will no longer mince words with me- and this is good.  This is growth.  I haven't ever had a self-reading this direct before- or this dire.