So, without further ado...
1. Me as a whole: Justice- definitely me. I am a Libra, and continually concerned with finding balance- weighing the consequences... I think it also speaks to my inborn moral code, my reasoning, and my intellect.
2. How am I spending my passion and energy: 5 of Cups. Ouch. Yes, I'm spending it mourning the past... stuck in my past failures, unable to forgive myself for screwing up. As a perfectionist, I am unable to let that go- so that's where all of my energy is going. No wonder I have no passion left for singing- I'm wasting it on beating myself up.
3. Why am I spending my passion and energy this way: The Priestess. I am afraid of letting people in on my secret- that I failed. I am afraid of letting go of this image of ability- and I have locked myself in solitude to keep that failure a secret. My pride is more important than my happiness. ouch
4. How am I in the material world: Ace of Cups- overflowing, frittering away my hard earned dollars. No budget, no control. It allows for momentary happiness... but gives way to emptiness...
5. Why am I this way in the material world: 2 of Swords- I am of two minds- I am conflicted and torn, and use retail therapy as a band-aid for my confusion... as a drug.
6. How am I thinking: Page of Cups- I am an open book, thinking romantically and wistfully, and mentally rehearsing romance- this strikes me as odd in this position- and distinct that I am not feeling the emotions of romance and dreaminess, but I am mentally doing so- perhaps even mechanically doing so- out of sheer habit.
7. Why am I thinking in this way: Page of Pentacles- It is what I have learned to do- this emphasizes the habit part- it is rote, not inspired. It is all talk, and no emotion. How inauthentic.
8. How am I feeling: 9 of Wands- defensive, wounded, tired. Wanting to put up a fight, but not ready... not really wanting to fight, only to be hurt again. Exhaustion.
9. Why am I feeling this way: Hanged Man- I have put my dreams on hold- thus I only feel the wounds, and not the joys of the dreams. Inadvertantly, by putting my dreams on hold, I took the fight out of myself- because what is worth fighting for, except a great dream? Why bother if not for a great cause?
10. The result of emotions and passions: 5 of Pentacles- the mixture of feeling wounded and focusing all of my attention on my failures is that I have an emotional and powerful poverty. I have left myself out in the cold, and I am the only one who can reverse this. I would reverse it by forgiving myself and tending to my wounds- being compassionate.
11: The result of passions and my material behaiviour: The Tower- Both my passion and my bank account are left crumbling by treating my self denigration with things. Something has got to give- and the shopping will only stop when I figure out what is more important- pride or happiness.
12. The result of material behaiviour and thinking: 6 of cups- I am treating myself like a child- bribing and rewarding with goodies and using rote romantic thinking to distract myself. Neither is helpful nor truly loving to myself- I can't buy my way to self love.
13. The result of thinking and emotions: Knight of Pentacles- the juxtaposition of my romantic thoughts and my wounded emotions has left me stuck- unable to move forward in any direction, and just putting on the armor of a warrior without intending to go back into battle.
Oof. So. What more is there to say? To me, this has proven that Llewellyn is really not just a nicey nice deck at all- I'm feeling very much like the honey moon is over. It will no longer mince words with me- and this is good. This is growth. I haven't ever had a self-reading this direct before- or this dire.