Reading #3: Discover Yourself

I decided to take on a mondo-huge spread for this week- mostly out of boredom, and it looked like a nice spread... here it is.  Um, ouch.  This one hurt- but it hurt so good!  It really was great for seeing where I am holding myself back, and why.  I did make some minor alterations- most noticably in the final 4 cards.  Oh, and I apologize for the lack of pictures this week- with this spread, this post would be ridiculously long.

So, without further ado...

1. Me as a whole: Justice- definitely me.  I am a Libra, and continually concerned with finding balance- weighing the consequences... I think it also speaks to my inborn moral code, my reasoning, and my intellect.

2. How am I spending my passion and energy:  5 of Cups.  Ouch.  Yes, I'm spending it mourning the past... stuck in my past failures, unable to forgive myself for screwing up.  As a perfectionist, I am unable to let that go- so that's where all of my energy is going.  No wonder I have no passion left for singing- I'm wasting it on beating myself up.

3.  Why am I spending my passion and energy this way:  The Priestess.  I am afraid of letting people in on my secret- that I failed.  I am afraid of letting go of this image of ability- and I have locked myself in solitude to keep that failure a secret.  My pride is more important than my happiness. ouch

4.  How am I in the material world:  Ace of Cups- overflowing, frittering away my hard earned dollars.  No budget, no control.  It allows for momentary happiness... but gives way to emptiness...

5.  Why am I this way in the material world:  2 of Swords- I am of two minds- I am conflicted and torn, and use retail therapy as a band-aid for my confusion... as a drug.

6.  How am I thinking: Page of Cups- I am an open book, thinking romantically and wistfully, and mentally rehearsing romance- this strikes me as odd in this position- and distinct that I am not feeling the emotions of romance and dreaminess, but I am mentally doing so- perhaps even mechanically doing so- out of sheer habit.

7.  Why am I thinking in this way:  Page of Pentacles- It is what I have learned to do- this emphasizes the habit part- it is rote, not inspired.  It is all talk, and no emotion.  How inauthentic.

8.  How am I feeling:  9 of Wands- defensive, wounded, tired.  Wanting to put up a fight, but not ready... not really wanting to fight, only to be hurt again.  Exhaustion.

9.  Why am I feeling this way:  Hanged Man- I have put my dreams on hold- thus I only feel the wounds, and not the joys of the dreams.  Inadvertantly, by putting my dreams on hold, I took the fight out of myself- because what is worth fighting for, except a great dream?  Why bother if not for a great cause?

10.  The result of emotions and passions:  5 of Pentacles- the mixture of feeling wounded and focusing all of my attention on my failures is that I have an emotional and powerful poverty.  I have left myself out in the cold, and I am the only one who can reverse this.  I would reverse it by forgiving myself and tending to my wounds- being compassionate.

11:  The result of passions and my material behaiviour: The Tower- Both my passion and my bank account are left crumbling by treating my self denigration with things.  Something has got to give- and the shopping will only stop when I figure out what is more important- pride or happiness.

12.  The result of material behaiviour and thinking:  6 of cups- I am treating myself like a child- bribing and rewarding with goodies and using rote romantic thinking to distract myself.  Neither is helpful nor truly loving to myself- I can't buy my way to self love.

13.  The result of thinking and emotions:  Knight of Pentacles- the juxtaposition of my romantic thoughts and my wounded emotions has left me stuck- unable to move forward in any direction, and just putting on the armor of a warrior without intending to go back into battle.

Oof.  So.  What more is there to say?  To me, this has proven that Llewellyn is really not just a nicey nice deck at all- I'm feeling very much like the honey moon is over.  It will no longer mince words with me- and this is good.  This is growth.  I haven't ever had a self-reading this direct before- or this dire.